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Understanding the need for change within me


For the last two years I have been in the ongoing process of reinventing me. A process of discovery and constant change.  Someday’s I don’t know if I am coming or going, the parameters of what was ONCE me continues to dissolve.  Someday’s there is crystal clarity as to what I wish to create and other days there is mass confusion.  I find I am more and more sensitive to noise, to hooooomans, and to toxic and negative narratives.

I have given myself permission to remove myself from chaos and clearly define what is my responsibility in this world of illusion and what is NOT.  I don’t feel a need to fight a battle or change anyone’s opinion on the current state of world affairs.  It is enough to bring enchantment and innocence into a world that needs to revisit kindness, compassion, acceptance, and tolerance.  I DO however need much more energy in this new design of myself for me.  Where I spend my time and who I spend my time with becomes a precious choice daily.

The first phase was releasing the need to spiritually babysit, the second phase was not to judge those around me who simply view life through their own experiences and choices.  This was more challenging, as I would sit back and observe the behavior in horror.  As I asked to see more clearly through the lens of the heart, it became clear, the core of their choices was based on fear, greed, and an inability to love themselves.   I realized if I just sat back and quietly observed I could choose to send them love, but from a very safe distance as I did not want to be taken into their vortex.

Dead lake falls

I have needed much more time in quiet reflection, and many more hours spent with nature. I need to laugh and play.  I need to breathe in the negative ions of the ocean and bathe in the sacred blue, I need more forest bathing to exchange the green and red breath with the ancient standing tall ones.  I need to climb more mountain trails and reflect in clear alpine lakes, and I need to sit in silence amongst the red stone elders.  Nature as my teacher is my saving grace and yet I still have my moments where I question the insanity going on around me.  My discussions with the divine can become quite heated.   I take a lot of deep breaths and then I relax into the knowing on some deep level of wisdom…. that all is as it should be.  It triggers memory inside my soul.

I reflect on that moment so long ago, when I was awakened from my sleep and summoned by a man in white clothing to follow him up a mountain trail.  He never looked back as we ascended higher and higher.  As we reached the top we stood beneath the most magnificent starry sky.  It was a dark moon.  The absolute silence brought me solace as I could hear the symphony of the universe.  The ancient one turned, and I could see he was holding a staff with a brilliant vibrating crystal point on the end.  He looked at me staring deep into my soul.  He then took the staff and pointed it the starry sky, I watched in wonder as the stars began to spiral, flowing like a stream of crystal light into the crystal point in his staff.  I was in awe as I realized this was not a dream, I was traveling the timelines.  Years later I would  understand the mountain I was standing on was Mount Shasta.

The ancient one handed the staff to me and telepathically spoke the words I have never forgotten.  “We are gifting you with the universal wisdom of the star nations.  Use the wisdom wisely.  Share with those who will find you.  Never use the wisdom to manipulate or control another.  Always remain humble.  You have a purpose in being a keeper of the star wisdom which you will understand in the years to come”.

Having returned to the sacred mountain in July, I have become acutely aware something is changing in me on a very deep level.  Part of the creation of this new me, began with a discussion that I sat on the peripheral edge listening to while watercoloring on New Year’s Eve.    A discussion amongst some of my dearest friends took place regarding weaving.  Over the last few months, a series of events have taken place and I found myself during the time of the Lion’s Gate portal, in the newly designed art/weaving studio of my dear friend Jeffrey.  I jumped at the chance to explore something new in this creative sanctuary and was gifted with the opportunity to weave.   Anything that allows me to explore color is a gift.

altar cloth

This was not just weaving, this was Saori weaving which is the ability to express your true self freely without any restrictions. With Saori weaving there is no right or wrong, there is no need to find perfection as the beauty is found in the imperfection.  I learned so much about me while weaving.   With each thread, each color I was weaving my new reality.  Weaving during the Lion’s Gate portal I felt was incredibly spiritual and ritualistic.  The mixing and meshing of color and texture while adding inclusions of fabric allowed me to mindlessly travel the timelines of my own reality.  The inclusions for me were moments of my greatest growth, learning from challenge and failure, heartache, and loss.

I have often known I learn so much more from my own personal setbacks.  Through those moments, I would find the courage to live life how I intended to live it, not under the expectation of others.  With no rules (other “than don’t break the loom, there are no rules and have fun”)  I was off on an incredible journey of self-discovery.  I found that the weaving was tapping into a creative stream of consciousness that I would now use in the reinvention of me.  I would transfer it into the new website we are working on, my new oracle of cards and books, the new oils the plant beings are sharing with me and the new teachings of ancient wisdom I look forward to sharing in upcoming retreats and enchanting journeys.

The more I tapped into me, the more I tapped into the star wisdom that had been gifted to me that night so very long ago.  In today’s world most people have given up thinking for themselves, they put the focus on Doing instead of Being.  They follow the instructions and guidelines of others.  They believe the narrative that they are intentionally fed for the self interest of the few and many live in fear of the unknown.   I have always had challenges with instructions. It is a known fact with those who know me if you give me more than five instructions then everything is negated.  I am one who needs the experience, not the instruction.  I need to live life not read about life.  I have gypsy blood and it is once again stirring.  Change is most definitely coming.

forest web

Life is about weaving a web, so I encourage you to weave your web with discovery, adventure, excitement, magick, passion and enchantment.  If you are struggling to find your passion, stop what you are doing and in the stillness, you can hear your heart speak.  You may not know where you are going but your heart does.  If you cannot push open the door to a new reality, then just pull it.  Have the courage to adventure on a new path of self-discovery and reinvention of yourself rather than putting your energy and effort into continuing the same old thing.  Step out of the chaos, channel it into creativity and allow yourself to connect to the unseen.  In the design of the new you there is no place for fear, judgment, anger, resentment, or jealousy.  Add inclusions of love, laughter, innocence, curiosity, laughter, and joy and you will find the magick once again.

Be gentle with yourself.  Find your courage and embrace your magnificence.  I continue to offer Soul Life Readings for those who would like assistance in seeing through the lens of the heart to navigate their personal journey as well as the Sacred Trilogy Reading.

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If you would like to explore further the honoring of the cycles of the moon and turning of the wheel with a monthly New Moon, Full Moon, and Sacred Sabbat Ritual, as well as a monthly guided audio meditation dedicated to working with each moon cycle, please CLICK HERE.    By actively participating in these natural cycles, we can attune ourselves to the creative forces that flow through us and learn how-to live-in harmony and balance with ourselves and with the beloved Earth.

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