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Accepting the Shadow

Greetings everyone:

I have just returned from a powerful two week journey that began in the beautiful rain forest in Costa Rica and ended in the land of the Mayans in Tulum.  I had wanted to share the experience with each of you that were joining with the group in spirit on a day by day basis but the night before the group arrived we experienced the most intense lighting storm I have ever experienced.

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For 45 minutes the skies were alive with power that was being sent to the earth as the bolts of lightning crashed to the earth’s surface.  So strong was the force that you could feel your heart respond and feel the earth shake.  Lighting was coming down within the resort itself.  Although it was a magnificent display of Mother Nature, it wreaked sheer havoc on outside communication and finally I just surrendered that I was to live the moment and would be able to share the story upon my return.  I even had a brand new mini computer my husband had gifted me with for my birthday but alas that was not to be the case so I am happy to share with each of you now the wonders of what we experienced.

One lesson that was a continual theme during this last journey was the need to absolutely surrender and to allow everything to flow accordingly. What I discovered on this journey at the time of the Autumn Equinox, when there are equal amounts of dark and light upon the planet, was that all of us in some way have a feeling of not being good enough or failing in some way. This false belief is the core of all of our imbalances.

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This feeling creates an unnecessary need to attempt to control everything around us.  For some we push ourselves to do more so we are accepted and loved.  Often times we believe this will make us more lovable.  When we do not feel appreciated for the extra efforts and sacrifices we make for others we become angry, resentful and sad.  This is only the beginning of negative thoughts and untruths that we store in our body that leads to imbalances and takes us to a place of disease.  Many times we are marked through early childhood experiences with a feeling that we are not worthy.  A simple sentence that is spoken to us or even over heard by us is recorded in the cells of our body and becomes the pattern in which our life flows.

When one comes to a land that is a doorway to the unseen world, one experiences their senses greatly heightened.  Such is the energy one will experience in Pura Vida in Costa Rica.  Time seems to stand still and you are able to absorb the beauty of nature.  On the eve of the Autumn Equinox I sat quietly calling forth my shadow self.  I was simply the observer waiting to see who appeared.  The shadow side is not a negative aspect,  it is only an energy we hold inside our subconscious.  It is the source of our fears, doubts, untruths and imbalances.  As I called the shadow side to me I was surprised to see myself as a small girl step forward.

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I wanted to use the power of this night to heal whatever needed to be healed, to transform the old patterns so I could step forward.  When the little girl came she pointed and began to show me a memory held deep within which was the driving force behind the reason that I constantly push myself.

All of a sudden I felt an energy pour out from the cells of my body and create a crystal clear, multi colored movie playing out before me.  A childhood memory that I didn’t realize had been buried deep inside.

I was four years old, attending day care while my mother worked.  I remember feeling the excitement as it was crafts day.  I so loved to create anything.  I can always relate to the artist that colors way outside the lines as I would always create my own image.  For me the colors were alive and each needed to be treated equally or I was convinced they would get their feelings hurt.  It was just before the American holiday called Thanksgiving and we were presented with a choice.  We could either make a pilgrim’s hat or an Indian head dress.  Well there was no hesitation for me, even at the age of four the remembrance of another time was strong.  I took such delight in painting each feather a different color.  It was important for me to paint the rainbow.  When I was finished I placed my Indian headdress carefully on the table.

featherLater that day as my mother came to get me I ran back to the table to get my hat.  I remember placing it on my head and feeling such pride.  I wore it all night long marching through the house until I had to go to bed and then carefully placed it on the table next to me.  The next morning I returned to school and left my sacred headdress in a safe place.   It was a treasure and needed to be well respected.   I did not know that we were making the hats to wear in a parade.  When it came time for everyone to gather their hats I had to tell the teacher I had left mine at home.  All of a sudden another memory flooded into my consciousness, a painful memory and I felt my body tremble.  The teacher looked at me and began to scream at me.  She told me how stupid I was. For being so stupid I could just walk at the end of the line and then everyone would see that I was different.  I was stupid and had no hat.  The very object that the night before had given me such pride now was the cause of my pain.  It singled me out.   Everyone would see that I was different and stupid.  The tears ran down my face as I could not understand where this pain was coming from.  Now many years later on this night in Costa Rica it all made sense.  The pain I felt was also a memory from another time, the pain the earth mother had carried as she witnessed time again how mankind would fail to see the beauty in the differences between us.  That instead of honoring the Native American Indian we had taken from them their land, we had taken from them their traditions.  This would be repeated in the land of the Mayan, the lands of the Maori, the aborigines, and in so many places around the world.   As I watched the four year old, I felt her pain and realized that somewhere in my consciousness those words, “Now everyone will see how stupid you are”, had marked me.

I was very shy and many times felt all alone.   When I was ten a beautiful presence came to me and would tell me I was never alone and when I was older I would understand why my soul had been sent.   It was at that time that the White Wolf came to me to walk by my side.  I chose then to embrace the fact that I was different and not to follow the same path as anyone around me.  I also understood even more who I was and why I was here.  Years ago the elders had told me I was to travel to the four corners of the world and to awaken the Rainbow tribe.  I smiled as I once again now looked upon the child who stood so proud with her Indian headdress covered with the rainbow feathers.  I also understood why the lightning had come the night before.  Many of the rainbow tribe were gathering in the rainforest and would travel with me to the Mayan lands.  Many of you, awake and part of the Rainbow nation were connecting with the group and so your spirit was with us.  The lighting had been gifted by the thunder beings to bring power to the earth and to the rainbow nation.  We were gifted that night with a strength we would all need to stay strong in our faith, to follow a path that may be different than the one that is comfortable and accepted by others.

I also now understood the source of my strength and why no matter what I see around me, no matter what I hear, no matter what the media reports, I follow my own path of truth and I know within my heart that as the Rainbow nation awakens and we find one another again, we will restore balance to the earth.  We will support each other and we will give each other strength.  It is not an easy journey but it is a wonderful journey and I am so very grateful to each of you reading these words that walk with compassion and love in your heart and support this journey.   Yes you have times when you are discouraged and when you are down, when you feel all is lost but something deeper inside tells you to keep moving forward.  As I embraced the little girl who had come from the shadow of my memory, I felt a great lightness return and every cell of my body responded.  I felt whole.  Every time I had ever felt I didn’t belong or felt stupid seemed to be replaced with  a  knowing that I had a purpose and was fulfilling my destiny.  I didn’t have any answer as to what my future would hold but I would allow myself to be guided step by step.

Check back tomorrow for the next part of this journey of healing and transformation.

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2 Responses
  1. Jeanne
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    Robbyne, as I read this, tears came to my eyes and I couldn’t read the rest of your message for a few minutes. Inside I felt your pain. We have all experienced hurtful words like that, I think. I pray all who read this realize how powerful words can be, and use them in a positive way.

  2. Robbyne
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    Dear Jeanne: Thank you for sharing. It is my desire as well that we learn to understand the power of our words and recognize that with our voice we have the power to motivate and uplift another and with the same voice we have the power to destroy. A wise elder once shared with me to always speak first from my heart and then from my head before I speak from my mouth. I have never forgotten these words of wisdom.